Almost daily his depression and frustration is taken out on me the days we dont fight, hes too high or drunk to care to fight. I am in pain, still suffering postpartum depression and have 2 small babies to care for. I feel like a failure for wanting to leave less than a year in and like a terrible person for being so upset with an overall nice guy in addition to all my other stress. For your part, you need to radically accept there is a problem, then apologize to your partner for not always being there. When the baby is born.. When they have a job its temporary as sooner or later they are going to lose it for reasons well within their control. I love my children. Every vacation in the last 4 months has been renigged because of illnesses and finance issues. After he failed to look for full-time job, I encouraged him to do freelance as well. Husband laid off May 1, I have FT job, I NEVER MISSED ONE PAYCHECK IN OUR 6 YEARS TOGETHER. I dont want to work either. Some of the comments above piss me off to no end. We are both stuck )))))o: Any advice would be welcome. My husband and I been together 7 1/2 years, married 3 1/2 years. I mean, we love each other and we both see a future together, but If i dont find something soon, we wont be able to pay next months rent and it would have been my fault because I was supposed to have a job by now. A therapeutic separation is a formal separation with clear, specific guidelines and boundaries. I dont know what to do because I dont want to lose the house and I can manage the mortgage but its hard to be attracted to a guy who cant take care of himself. A therapist or counselor can offer support as you explore your options and decide what to do, but you may also wish to explore other resources. The real issue is that in a healthy relationship finances are a shared facet of life. But now he left the College and he dont want to stud anymore. He gets defensive if I say anything or ask how hes prgressing. Wheres my support! Im right there with u sister : ( He hasnt worked for 8months now, and we are almost getting evicted! But I rather him chipping in to pay the bills. His parents have talked with my about his lack of work and Ive eloquently defended him and have expressed his lack of motivation due to depression (partly true, but mostly hes an addict). I am in disbelief. The analyses were based on 12,183 couples from the . We have a little baby, thank God for breast milk otherwise my poor child will be starving.He spend most of his time on the internet watching you tube videos. Anyhow I hope you find a right person soon. Immensely fed up at the moment It is New Years Eve and after a thoroughly awful Christmas, I think it is time to call it a day with my unemployed (for 4 years) partner. You get the picture. We are sorry to hear of the challenges you are facing. Spouse works with you to keep your living arrangements suitable. I have been supporting us both for the last two years, which wouldnt bother me if she was actively looking for work. I know he can hold a job, but hes taking his time getting another one. This leads one to believe that my position is steady. The women struggles in financial even they work very hard and long hours everyday. Or, you can challenge your own thinking. after 3 weeks of peace she unloaded my smooch daughter she took from me in the eighth grade-straight as at time. Ive worked as a Teachers Aide part time and a Substitute Teacher. I work so hard just to get us from motnh to month and theres never any security let alone any moment when I can get past the stress of having to do this! He drives them to school, picks them up at various times/places, after sports, etc. I can barely be in the same room with him without becoming uncontrollably angry. Im strongly considering giving her an ultimatum to either get over it and move on, or Im gone. We put on a great facade. You think, oh just go get a job anything will do and that is not the way it is. Unemployment rates are high on the rundown as one of lifes stress-inducing and mentally exhausting events. My husband will not cook, as he swears up and down he's terrible at it and I'm much better (I'm not, I only know how to cook 3 things!). It is a bit similar as those women abused by their partner and still put up for long term until it reaches the break point of their personal suffering. Yes, people still read this board. Stop abusing the people around you. My partner of ten years walked out of her job two years ago without finding another job first. Actuallyyes we all says that we love are childrens and spouse..but it not correct, we all are binded due to some social reasons. Meanwhile, if you push too much, you may risk coming off as cold and ruthless. Many men still embrace stereotypical beliefs about domestic . How about living with a chronically unemployed person who cant keep a job (always getting fired or quitting) who has no life outside of work? Someone might say, no one gets divorced because their spouse didnt take out the garbage. Well, actually they do. I was divorced once and never wanted to go through that again, but this is almost 10 years of silent struggle, being the primary breadwinner and working hard to build a life and a home for kids in what feels like all by myself. Your pissed stay pissed and move it to the next level. So the lesson is, if you dont free yourself, thats the road you have to face, married or not. Its been almost 2 years since he was laid off from his job. Unfortunately, my husband is one of those people. $30,000? . So. Husband last his job 5-6 years ago and Ive been the breadwinner. When i get the chance to see him its me or his dad paying for everything. Like the illness defines me. My live in boyfriend hasnt worked since July. He plays computer games all day and smokes weed. Seek marriage counseling if you are struggling with sharing household responsibilities. Not sure what to do any more but all i know is that I have very little left in the tank and life doesnt seem to be getting any less complex and harsh. Fortunately, there are many resources and guidance for those dealing with unemployment. I have already got a storyline of Asian-belly concocted (same as the last trip! See what happens if you dont address everything, even if the thought alone fills you with immense dread (including visions of D test grades for the kids or your home looking like an episode of Hoarders). It crushed all the confidence she had and nothing else has come around for some time now. Some compassion? He has a son from a previous relationship. Swipe right to someone else. Its been nine years since my husband last held a job. We both dropped out of University and met at a call center after. It just goes on and on and on. Rent is due in 1 week and he hasnt saved up a dime considering he hasnt worked a day in the last month so I know he wont have his 600 in time. In the first year he was in a pretty bad car accident and broke some ribs and collarbone. He is here all the time. We live in a two income age. So I keep asking, what did we, as women really gain? It has been almost a year and a half since my husband lost his job and still no leads. It seems youre making it on your own anyway. Even you married him, your commitment should be act on reasonable base. Too bad. Even my own girlfriend blamed me without considering other reasons why I wasnt getting offers. If you get your communication right, your partner will respond with empathy and compassion.. I have always worked and I come home , cook and clean and listen to his complaints .. He has no money whilst waiting to hear from them and Im having to pay for all the bills with my money/savings. Sometimes my husband talks about starting up a business but the ideas are so pathetic I feel that we would just lose money then I feel guilty for not being supportive. Thank you for your comment, Chelsea. So I am trapped. Unlike some of the other comments on her, I know/believe that he is actively looking for work and he doesnt want to be in this situation as much I do. Physical pain ensued after my father passed away suddenly at the age of 65. Youll see that given enough respite, you will have more energy to carry on your daily tasks until the Great News arrives. I found out im pregnant last week. .feels good to get that out.. On may2nd 2016, she started her 5-weeks of agressive radiotherapy. I was given notice on my job six months ago that I was being laid off. You have a family. I also have 2 children from my first marriage. See, she blames herself as much as his parents. Does money play into it at all? I want him out of my life!!! Why??? Its sad and pathetic to me. She is probably a narcissist and feels housework is "demeaning" to her but it isn't to you. I can relate to the person who said they cant believe it is happening. eg. The truth is that there are no easy answers or decisions, but as a man, and as someone who has lived through both physical and sexual abuse, I would offer this; you are not alone. Your spouse is confronting an extreme time; however, you are, as well. Question is, who would look after the kids? Its beyond frustrating. Dont take this persons advice. Im angry, resentful, depressed and had enough. I am in a similar situation, only more heartbreaking. So what can you do at this point? I dropped out of high school, but have never been out of a job and have big aspirations for study. Giving all of you a big hug! I have been with my husband for nine years. Weve divided their advice into two categories: what they tell the exhausted spouse and what they tell the spouse whos slacking off. Your spouse may slide back into criticism on this journey to redistribute the emotional labor. Their truancy from school has also decreased. A guy who really wants this relationship will make the effort. My partner for the last 7yrs cant seem to generate enough loyalty to our relationship to chip in and get it done. Its been 4 months and so far he has been hired and fired 7 times already. I think hes comfortable and if I question it, Im not being supportive or Im being a b***h. He knows Id like to have more in savings for emergencies or for my car that I havent been able to fully repair because its paycheck to paycheck for the bare necessities. I was hoping for 10 or even 20x that. "He is not strong like a man who just says, 'Oh I don't care; I've been fired Screw them, I'll go find another job'," Emily said. Try doing that and having no time to yourself because suddenly they are there all. My boyfriend has had 2 jobs in the year and a half weve been together. We only have one car, and theres no public transportation where I live, and my husband needs the car to try to get work and to transport his son, so I can only attempt at working from home, which I have been trying with no luck. I didnt want her to suffer any more, so I agreed that she should stop teaching for her own health and for the stregnth of out marriage. I believe he wants to work but Im not convinced hes doing everything he can to get it. If I do the things that Im either good at or I like to do or I dislike less and my partner does the things that they are more interested in doing and dislike less, then the balance works much better.. While it wasnt really his fault company was going down the toilet and since he was laid off over 100 people from teh company were let go because of just really bad company practices. You deserve love and respect which your currently boy friend seems not able to offer. If your husband is trying to do something- small jobs, helping with the kids, going to school, then be patient. However, while the ramifications for those jobless are all well-documented, theres another loss whose enduring is less frequently considered: the spouse. I am super happy for you :) Thanks for giving me glimpses of hope. It takes time and courage for him to realize he has his problem. Jesus Christ. I didnt fight him as I had felt so grateful to him for helping me regain my health and having looked after me so much. He has not applied for a single one since learning I am pregnant. He stays up all night when hes not working the next day keeping me up. You know them. Where is love.this job was creaing a bond between me and my wife. tl;dr: Husband is unemployed and doesn't do any housework, possibly has depression he won't seek help for. First, I am going to suggest counseling for you, make sure the therapist is using Mindfulness or DBT techniques. For my 2 children I have to work hard no matter how. Seems like most of society moved on, but were stuck. The loving man I know changed into a clingy child whose temper and mood swings rival those women on soap operas. My advice to you would be to get out of the relationship as fast as possible. I work full time in customer service. Now imagine the rest of your life with someone like this. You certainly find out who your phony friends are when youre out of work. The recession has been so devastating for so many people. Theyd home in on the tasks that need to be done and do it without being asked. Look around your house, consider your family life, and imagine the chaos that would ensue if she wasnt handling all of it, Cason said. I have 4 little girls who look up to me, who I have to be a role model to. So endearing, we keep them for years. Breadwinning wives also don't get parity in how household chores are divvied up. Instead, its still a mixed bag, but we have gotten much better at it. I love that this site exists, I actually got a little teary reading the article because its like FINALLY someone has something for the partner of the unemployed. She is trying incredibly hard and has a list a mile long of all the places that she has applied to. The woman had a stillbirth in 2021 in South Carolina, which explicitly criminalizes self-managed abortion. One important step in that process is to get a clear picture of what Lively calls your chore portfolio: basically just a list of all the stuff that keeps your lives running (dishes, dog walking, paying the water bill, etc.). I am trying to support us with two part-time jobs, but I dont get health insurance through work. Bad eyesight and poor coordination runs in the family I suppose. I am not sure what to do, except that if he yells that much about me being the problem with his not finding a job, fine. He managed to become unemployed during our break up (from a well earning job) so had little income for the first time. He helps with what ever I ask him to do with the house chores but they are still my responsibility. I have every right to be.. I do laundry, cook, clean, watch the kid and our dog. This has always been frustrating and unfair, but in the wake of COVID-19, the amount of work that needs to be done around the house has increased substantially with more . but I never gave up we relocated from Minneapolis to Milwaukee, WI where we both spent many years. Sorry not sorry papi, You are funny Des and I love the bad arse Americans that just go,come on! Maybe those of us that have to support you are tired of you only seeing it from your side after weve been taking care of ourselves and YOU for years. Sometimes I am scared of what he will do if I throw him out. Hes lost his will, he has no motivation. Stop being such a bloody snowflake. Your husband might be feeling ashamed, angry, or sad. what has been the hardest to watch, is his lack of incentive or ambition, and now his fits of rage and defensiveness about the realities of his situation. We pretty much fight all the time. I do not respect him at all but I do love him. Lmfao he has no friends, no money, hes too proud to go back to his parents. I havent read ALL of these (wow, there are a lot of people in similar circumstances to mine), but what I really want to know is HOW to break up with a partner that is so dependent on you. I havent been able to find or create a group therapy regarding this. When do I get to live MY life? I was too ashamed to say he was back. Ive stayed with her even though she cheated for the first few months of our relationship, I put myself in debt to help clear HER debt, had to put my education and goals on hold, so that I can work full time to support both of us. He owned a small carpet cleaning company and did okay with this the first 10 years of our marriage while i worked part-time and raised the babies. I dont want to work in the job Ive got but I know I cant leave as I have to pay the mortgage and all of the bills we have no savings as every time I get close to being able to put something aside an emergency crops up with our daughter who lives away at university and I have to fly out to her or pay for her flight back to us. This pretty much doesnt leave us a lot to work with- and yes, this is insurance on the healthcare exchange. Move on with your life. I felt like I was becoming more of a mother for him. All are forced to be passengers on the emotional roller coaster ride of a loved ones bout with unemployment. He just began school again after winter break and just yesterday he stayed he needs a break from things. Any thoughts? We have a small child (5m) and I care for him (were both home due to COVID and work schedules). . Ive been married 12 years to my wife.She brought 2 children into the relationship but that was okay.I loved them and raised them as my own.But 6 years into the marriage my wife lost her job and hasnt contributed financially ever since.At first I could carry the load until the financial crisis and then I lost my job.Since then Ive found a better job making more money but I still need her help.I think she went so long without working most employers over look her qualifications,I guess.We are drowning in debt.Im applying for a job that will take me away from home but Ill make more money than Im making now.I truly love my wife but I think its time for me to move on and find someone who is willing to work just as hard as me and not be stuck with someone who depends on me.Am I wrong?I know marriage is for better or worse but just keep thinking about the life I could have if I was with someone who is more independent and has less baggage. 2. Its wonderful that a man can work on his dream job filming a movie but one can only pray for luck and amazing marketing to make this movie a hit. Too many of them require money, which clearly we dont have. And so she started to become her familys sole breadwinner. As far as I can tell he spends his days playing computer games. I dont want to even be with him in this life anymore. As if I can afford to do that! Anything helps. When we first met he was finishing his studies for his second degree, and ended up moving from the Netherlands to London to do an internship to finish. My husband is good about crises (if a toilet is clogged, he will unclog it), but if something isn't a crisis, he forgets all about it. You can likely get financial aid too. He hasnt had a job in 2 years. I have known my girlfriend for over over 15 years, we got serious the last 3 years three days later he gets an in person interview for a software job. Or he wont. I know all men say s*** to the other females for obvious reasons when cheating but this was different then the other times hes cheated. I am not married to him. I really don't want to be a nag about this, but resentment is beginning to build. they carry the bad experience for long time. Hard when you have barely enough money to feed yourself, let alone another. You are experiencing the deep frustration and it sucks that we just cannot get through to them, how their shit is emotionally and physically effecting is. I didnt eventually find work as my persistence paid off. I dont care because I cant take it with me when I go. Here are a few examples of how we do it: My husband takes out the garbage and the recycling, which I hate and he doesnt mind. As a positive person, it is incredibly draining to me to not only be the breadwinner and emotional cheerleader, but also to only hear negative things from him and never be able to voice my own concerns. I think that is part of the problem, we feel so alone as I imagine, like myself, no one else you actually know is going through a similar situation. now that all sounds easy but we both know we end up going toe to toe with the other person. I work 60 hours a week, still do the washing, the washing up and the housecleaning as he refuses to and keep the wolves from the door barely by juggling, dont holiday and really am a complete and utter idiot . Every day that this goes on longer I have a harder time holding my tongue. He is STILL UNEMPLOYED and has been so since April of this year. We asked readers to channel their inner Carolyn Hax and answer this question. Wow, what a godsend this website is. wish him to die off hate to say. I do love her, but Im at the point in my life where I want to settle down, get house and start a family. Some chronically unemployed people find themselves in hopeless situations. I should be more patient with my husband as it is so hard on him for not being able to find a work. Unfortunately this is something Ive seen happen in rehabs with inappropriate relationships while in detox, as a coping mechanism. I spent today walking around stores with him. 13 yrs later Im in your boat! Plus, I still make the same pay since I started, which is near minimum wage. It was never that for me. In a lot of cases, great people end up sidelined in favor of the average and mediocre ones who are able to manipulate their way into the job by giving all of the correct answers to interview questions. Have purchased every new dress she has liked irrespective of price. Couples counseling, a class, massage, vacation.. well those things TAKE MONEY. He Needs to grow up This is how it was in his family. If separation becomes necessary . Last December, The New York Times reported on a regrettable trend. Hes gotten understandably frustrated and depressed, and his personality has changed so much.